The New News 3
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Was going to save this for tomorrow night, but, close enough. Happy Weekend. It's been a depressing week in the news. Names have been changed here out of respect for the war victims. Up first tonight, bad news from the Eastern front: the enemy has apparently strengthened its position in the key port of Mariposa. Amid the unspeakable death and ruin caused by two months of constant bombardment and brutal house-to-house combat, leaflets have fallen on the perforated shambles of the city, offering surrounded defenders the chance to drop their guns, come out of hiding, and reach for the sky to rejoice at their liberation. So far, an inflatable Bozo on a pulleyed clothesline has been the only taker, which, when promptly burst by a single round from an enemy sniper, drew cheers from both sides. Meanwhile, in an enemy broadcast, a commander accused by our side of war crimes is shown confronting graphic images edited by Western censors for sensitive viewers and saying that they prove nothing except that maybe someone should visit an optometrist. The tolerant new marijuana laws have found a keen advocate in the local legislature. Councilman Bud Green has compiled an array of colourful pie graphs to show how the commercialization of THC has added substantially to our GDP. He says he will make the data public just as soon as he remembers where he left it, and that he really had fun playing on his computer. In science, a group of pacifist technicians have announced a bold mission for their latest space probe: to seek out and vaporize any asteroid located within thirty million miles which even remotely threatens to collide with our planet. The probe features a powerful 88mm phaser cannon, as well as an extremely smart guidance system. Asked how they felt about the potential military applications of their invention, they expressed shock and dismay, saying that now they know why they always received so much support from the Defence Ministry. In furtherance to their misgivings, a mass rally by the international protest group 'Save the Asteroids' is planned to soon converge on the mission's launch site. On the hill, the logic of anti-immigration politics has come into question in a fierce parliamentary debate. While politicians wishing to keep immigrants out are accused of gross hypocrisy for being, themselves, descended from immigrants, they insist that they are merely trying to balance the number of foreign born, pro-immigration voters with that of their home born, more anti-immigration offspring. And, lastly, for those of you who are still awake, popular pyjamas manufacturer, Mr Snugglies, faces an ironic law suit from an unemployed man wishing to recover lost working wages. The plaintiff, a former factory worker whose schedule frequently switched back and forth between day shift and night shift, complains that the pyjamas are so comfortable that they impaired his will to get out of bed on time and, thus, cost him his job. That's it, and, from myself and the whole news team here, sweet dreams. |
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| © 2022. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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