The New News

The New News
Haven't shared a new one of these news bulletins since the last big war. This must all be be new.

11:53pm: When I first shared these kind of thoughts in these kind of words, they'd end up on Saturday Night Live's 'Weekend Update'. But if anyone tried to steal this since I posted it at around 1:00am this morning, I have its time-stamped original all ready for the lawyers to present in court. And I plan on sharing more of these. Happy Saturday night!

A leading politician has admitted to lying about her vaccination after testing positive for trypanosomiasis - better known as the 'wandering sickness'. However, critics say that the vaccine she made us all take was no good and that she's lying about lying.

An historic moment for the country today with the appointment of the first Puerto Rican woman to our Supreme Court. Uh - few may know her name yet, but everyone knows she's Puerto Rican.

To the war, now, where a prisoner has just directed our troops to a gruesome mass grave left behind by his retreating unit. The apparent torture and execution of over 900 civilians testifies to an appalling war crime, though he insists that the victims were all guilty of espionage. When asked how an enemy soldier could be compelled to divulge such a dirty secret, a tough looking guard said that he wouldn't talk - at first.

In business, Israel's formidable Spyder air defence system may be a hot item, but much much hotter is the new laser dome to which Israel plans to upgrade. Elsewhere, on the sanctions front, Canada is considering forcing rogue nations to pay their debts in Canadian Tire money. After the department store chain discontinued the coupon currency, the government wants to try to make it worth the paper it was printed on.

And on a more optimistic note, a top soothsayer says there will soon be an end to the record rainfall. After seeing a goose dive for a fish, he took it for a sign - even though it was in a parking lot.
  
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