Best Past Posts

Let's Talk of Talent I must have heard the word 'talent' ten times through last night's news broadcast. It wasn't in reference to any outstanding atheletes or poets or artists or novelists or anyone like that, it was in a story about Canada's 'red hot job market.' Apparently, employers call it 'seeking talent' when they're advertising a lot of available positions. Maybe this is meant to flatter their applicants, indicating an admiration for the work being done by their staff, but I don't like it. I think it distorts reality by making talent appear common when it is rare. Talent certainly exists in the workplace, but it is more the exception than the rule. For instance, operating a forklift is a skill that anyone can develop through time and effort, but few may ever know how to scoop and flip a coin with their forks. Fewer still would be able to call it 'heads' or 'tails' in the air and get it right most of ...

The New News 3 Was going to save this for tomorrow night, but, close enough. Happy Weekend. It's been a depressing week in the news. Names have been changed here out of respect for the war victims. Up first tonight, bad news from the Eastern front: the enemy has apparently strengthened its position in the key port of Mariposa. Amid the unspeakable death and ruin caused by two months of constant bombardment and brutal house-to-house combat, leaflets have fallen on the perforated shambles of the city, offering surrounded defenders the chance to drop their guns, come out of hiding, and reach for the sky to rejoice at their liberation. So far, an inflatable Bozo on a pulleyed clothesline has been the only taker, which, when promptly burst by a single round from an enemy sniper, drew cheers from both sides. Meanwhile, in an enemy broadcast, a commander accused by our side of war crimes is shown confronting graphic images edited by Western censors for sensitive viewers ...

The New News 2 Live from Vancouver... Topping off tonight's stories, the Department of Taxation proposes a tidy solution to their year-long backlog. They advise all refund claimants across the country to call the Department's one toll-free line and wait to speak to an agent. By the time the next agent becomes available, the backlog should be over. The Chairman of the local chapter of Hydrophobics Anonymous has applied for overseas funding. Asked why, he said they get more respect from people who live faraway. To the war, now, where an enemy poll has given their leader an impressive 88 percent approval rating. The figure is based on the 100 percent feedback of ten telephone respondents, with over four thousand others rejecting the call out of sheer panic, and one (minus 10 percent) mysteriously disappearing afterwards - along with her cat (minus 2 percent). In business, some sharp advice from a top analyst on how to get through the impending energy crisis:...

A Post for Posterity I'll tell you what power fears most; more than any bomb or hypersonic missile: unsolicited intelligence. By that I mean that power does not fear intelligence which has the support of lawyers, for such intelligence can be controlled. Only intelligence which exists outside of the establishment poses a serious threat to power. As an unsolicited author of poems, songs, cartoons, and comedy scripts, I know what I'm talking about here. Dumb songs and dumb shows for a population of dummies: I give you modern culture. And all anyone has been able to use against this argument since 2006 has turned out to be my own material in the hands of commercial frauds on TV. See how desperate the networks were to crush a smart new talent that owed no allegiance to them? They need you to believe that they are smarter than you and here was all this great new comedy on the internet that not only mocked them but came from one of your very own - a forklift operator. Sc...

The New News Haven't shared a new one of these news bulletins since the last big war. This must all be be new. 11:53pm: When I first shared these kind of thoughts in these kind of words, they'd end up on Saturday Night Live's 'Weekend Update'. But if anyone tried to steal this since I posted it at around 1:00am this morning, I have its time-stamped original all ready for the lawyers to present in court. And I plan on sharing more of these. Happy Saturday night! A leading politician has admitted to lying about her vaccination after testing positive for trypanosomiasis - better known as the 'wandering sickness'. However, critics say that the vaccine she made us all take was no good and that she's lying about lying. An historic moment for the country today with the appointment of the first Puerto Rican woman to our Supreme Court. Uh - few may know her name yet, but everyone knows she's Puerto Rican. To the war, now, where a prisoner ...

Manifestly Unsuccessful It's worth noting that the mere language in the Unabomber's manifesto could single him out among millions of potential suspects and lead directly to his criminal conviction. Language makes up that much of a person's identity. That's why I'm so angry about what happened to my language in the mouths of all those frauds. That's why their crime feels to me like a personal assault. I started reading it but I couldn't finish it. The guy wants to talk about goal fulfillment when he gets his by sending bombs in the mail. He wants to talk about how 'liberals hate the white man' but not about how he hates liberals. He points to 'upper-middle class university professors' as the villains behind liberal reforms and accuses them of acting out of self-loathing. But wait a minute, wasn't he a university professor? So, a university professor who hates university professors, accusing them of self-loathing. Too much iro...